My life in a nutshell.

(Source: recoverfromedmemes, via knittingmywaytorecovery)

fyoured:

Welcome to our third giveaway! (See previous giveaways here.)
Included are:
Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer, an excellent book written in bite-sized chapters (this helps wonderfully if you’re struggling with concentration at the moment);
1001 Pearls of Buddhist Wisdom, another excellent book written in bite-sized pieces and full of inspiration;
and The Parent’s Guide to Eating Disorders by Jane Smith, an excellent book to give to your parents if they’re having trouble understanding you and/or your illness.
I will happily ship worldwide, so don’t worry if you’re not in the UK. Reblogs and likes both ‘count’, and you don’t have to be following fyoured (Fuck Your Eating Disorder), but if you do follow us, you won’t regret it, I promise ;)
I will pick somebody at random on Friday 20th May 2013 and will send the books out on the following day (given that you give me your address in time).
Have fun!
- Kate

The last time I tried to reblog this it didn’t work; let’s try again.

fyoured:

Welcome to our third giveaway! (See previous giveaways here.)

Included are:

  • Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer, an excellent book written in bite-sized chapters (this helps wonderfully if you’re struggling with concentration at the moment);
  • 1001 Pearls of Buddhist Wisdom, another excellent book written in bite-sized pieces and full of inspiration;
  • and The Parent’s Guide to Eating Disorders by Jane Smith, an excellent book to give to your parents if they’re having trouble understanding you and/or your illness.

I will happily ship worldwide, so don’t worry if you’re not in the UK. Reblogs and likes both ‘count’, and you don’t have to be following fyoured (Fuck Your Eating Disorder), but if you do follow us, you won’t regret it, I promise ;)

I will pick somebody at random on Friday 20th May 2013 and will send the books out on the following day (given that you give me your address in time).

Have fun!

- Kate

The last time I tried to reblog this it didn’t work; let’s try again.

Still have a giant red bruise on my elbow, and I also have various small bright red bruises on one of my knees. The bruises are definitely disproportionate to the small amount that my knees and elbows got banged around during dance class, and it occurs to me that I bruise awfully easily lately. This likely means some sort of nutritional deficiency, so maybe I should see my doctor so she can order bloodwork for me. I should get bloodwork done at least twice a year anyway, because of my meds.

Of course, I assume that after I wait weeks to see my doctor and then wait a bit longer to be able to get blood tests, whatever nutritional deficiency has been making me bruise easily will already have corrected itself, and my bloodwork will be perfect, just as it was last time.

Weighed myself and I have only lost a pound in the past six weeks, which means my metabolism must have slowed way down because most people would be losing on what I’m eating. Since I am not willing to eat any less than this right now, I’ll have to start eating more. Maybe once I eat more I’ll remember that life is better than starving and I’ll be able to stick with a sustained recovery effort, or maybe I’ll freak out about the prospect of weight gain and restrict again after I’ve eaten normally for a while, but anyway, eating more food is definitely in my immediate future. 

For a while today, wanted recovery because I’m tired of hating myself and because I saw a rainbow and rainbows are pretty. Then got massively triggered by multiple things and all I want is to restrict and to purge what I do eat. I don’t want to recover, but I want to want to recover. Ate a sandwich and a bowl of ice cream just so I could purge it, just because I’m alone tonight and I can. I don’t make any sense.

My floor work in modern dance is shitty, as is everything I do in modern, and I frequently end up with bruises on my knees and elbows when we do rolls. At some point this evening I said to A., “That’s going to leave a bruise,” but the actual bruise didn’t appear on my elbow until a few hours later. I just caught a look at it and it is ridiculous. It is gigantic and bright red. I can only hope it turns to a nice purple bruiselike colour before our recital because right now it looks like I have some sort of deformity on my elbow. It would be less awful if people could at least identify it as a bruise when they saw it.

I have just come to the stunning realization that maybe I am not a bad person. I’ll probably change my mind within the hour, though.

TW for behaviours.

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Thrift Store Shopping With Anorexia

  • 1 pair of comfortable size 0 jeans
  • 1 pair of size 00 jeans that are too tight, but I convinced myself that they really fit and only seemed tight right then because I was premenstrual and bloated, ignoring the fact that getting my period in itself means that I am fat (anyone else who gets her period is healthy; the period = fat thing only applies to me)
  • 1 pair of running shorts
  • 1 running shirt
  • 1 yoga top
  • 1 shirt that looks princessy, because eating disorders are caused by cartoon princesses being skinny, don’t ya know, it’s not like they’re actual illnesses or anything

Total cost: $25.43.

Anyway, I bought jeans without having a mental breakdown. This is progress of a sort.

My stomach hurts again. I don’t know if it’s because I’m still sick or because I ate three meals today. Probably both. But it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as yesterday, so I know it’s nothing serious. Just one of those things.

I was going to make an appointment at the medial clinic today if I was still having stomach pains like the ones yesterday that were leaving me doubled over in agony, but it wasn’t necessary because I’m not in pain anymore. I do, however, have diarrhea, and I’m hoping I don’t have the stomach flu that’s been going around. I’ve heard that the latest stomach flu involves a lot of pain as well as vomiting. Since I’ve already had a lot of pain and some diarrhea, I really hope it just stops there and I don’t start vomiting in addition to everything else.